Jasper Rasper, The Man Who Hated Christmas

Jasper Rasper, The Man Who Hated Christmas
The comic book history of Jasper Rasper, somehow an enemy of Superman, from DC Comics.

The Man with the Plan (to destroy Santa)

Jasper Rasper had two things: 1. A very rhyme-y name, and 2. A life goal. That goal wasn't to become rich and powerful. He already was. No, his goal was more ambitious: find and kill Santa Claus.

Sadly, this doesn't actually happen in the issue, but I guess they wanted to tease the idea that someone was going to try to assassinate Santa with a machine gun. Image copyright DC Comics.

If there was ever a job for Superman...this was not it. A very sick, very grinchy, Scroogey man boarding his own private helicopter to make his way to the North Pole alone to straight up murder Ol' St. Nicolas? I mean, maybe get him some help. Maybe let him go get lost in the snowy wastes.

Jasper Rasper was born into poverty, but clawed his way to become a titan of industry. His own values were...the values of his bank accounts. So many people try to convince themselves they're good people even if they do bad things. You can explain away some things. Justify them. Everyone is the hero of their own story...except Jasper Rasper. He knew exactly what he was. He was proudly unscrupulous. Jasper would do anything to make a quick buck. No one had ever given him a helping hand, and he wouldn't help anyone else out. Rasper cut corners, played tricks, cheated, and stole. Which was why Christmas rankled him so much. Charity? Good will? No no no. That was against all the terrible things Jasper was for.

But he couldn't just kill Santa. That would make the jolly old elf a martyr. No. He had to destroy people's faith in Santa, then have the elf succumb to health issues and pass away, alone and hated. So, Jasper devoted a portion of his life to destroying Santa and this year? This year was the year.

Just openly telling my employees that I'm going to go exact terrible revenge on Santa. Image copyright DC Comics.

He had his whole R&D department working on...chocolates. And they were finished. He jumped in his helicopter, labeled the Rasper helicopter, and took off for the North Pole.

His heart grew three sizes that day. Santa needs to see a doctor.

Santa Claus, who absolutely takes candy from strangers, thanked the man who happened to show up at his door offering free chocolates, and ate the chocolates.

Yes...ha ha ha YES! Image copyright DC Comics.

Lucky for Santa, at Christmas, the Daily Planet has a "Meanest-Deed-I-Ever-Heard-Of Contest" and Jasper Rasper, who just fired his janitor because the man wished him a Merry Christmas, well, his name was submitted by the janitor's wife. After Clark Kent interrogated Jasper's employees...who knew that he was going to find and exact terrible revenge on Santa because he told all of them where he was going because he's a very stable employer, Superman took off toward the North Pole.

But he was too late. Santa...was big. Bigger.

The chocolates Jasper Rasper had left him caused fatty tissue to multiply...faster than normal chocolates. In fact, Santa Claus, who is known for his shape, became much rotund. In a brief nap after Santa ate the entire box of chocolates by himself, Santa found that he couldn't even squeeze out of the chair, let alone into a chimney. As Jasper Rasper lifted off, he cried out in joy – this Christmas would be a Floperoo!

It wasn't a diabolically clever plot, but whatever. Image copyright DC Comics.

Superman had to save Christmas, and to do that, well, Santa was going to have to work out.

Gonna Need a Montage

And yeah. The next several pages are Superman training Santa to lose dozens of pounds in just a few days. Apparently we're giving all the children body dysmorphia for Christmas. Superman smiled as he straight up tortured Santa doing things that, mostly, wouldn't actually lead to weight loss. He gave Santa a massage but stopped, quote, while Santa still had skin...which yes, if you're doing massages to the point that people's skin is falling off, you're doing it wrong. He tried to scare some pounds off Santa. Brought him mere inches away from an active volcano in Mexico to sweat some pounds off despite being in a world where saunas exist. Took him waterskiing, running along the Golden Gate Bridge, and dancing where Santa danced with all the girls at once.

Not sure if Mrs. Claus exists in this universe, but Superman is going to be out of there when he has to explain this. Image copyright DC Comics.

Santa lost all the weight in an extremely unhealthy manner and was slim enough to fit through the average chimney.

But, Jasper Rasper had a backup plan. On his way out, he dosed the reindeer so they would sleep. Santa didn't turn to Superman and ask "won't you fly my sleigh tonight?" which is probably the most egregious thing about the writing, but Superman did.

He also spotted a red helicopter on the way. It was Jasper Rasper, who discovered the danger of trips to ruin Christmas and speed up Santa's trip to heart disease when he hit a storm and crash-landed on an ice float.

Superman, of course, saved him, and Jasper realized, because people weren't going to leave him to freeze to death in the frigid wastes, that maybe his life philosophy of "always be terrible and bad" was not so great. He saw the goodness in goodness, and resolved to be different and also not poison people and destroy Santa's legend.

You know, there's a silliness to a grown man trying to destroy Santa and almost succeeding except for Superman putting Santa on a weight loss regimen. But, this is classic Superman. Whenever you hear someone complain that superhero movies need to stay true to the comics, the only reasonable conclusion you can come to is that they love these classic Superman stories. Call up James Gunn, or whoever's in charge of the DC movies now, and say stick to the comics. The next Superman movie must have CrossFit Santa.

Holy Comic Book Sources, Batman!

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