Asthma Monster

So, asthma. I have it. Other kids I know had it. Not the biggest deal in the world. You have to manage it, but, you know, you live with it.

Take that, school nurse

...unless you're Daniel Tyler. In addition to having two first names, young Daniel suffered from asthma in his youth. Because children are terrible - especially children in the 20th century who stereotypically latch on to anything different about their peers to relentlessly mock them...even their inability to breathe. Because children are the worst, Daniel Tyler grew up with a chip on his shoulder. Now, there are two directions you can go when you grow up suffering. You can either be a hero, deciding that no one should have to suffer like you again, and do everything you can to alleviate that suffering...or you can do what Daniel Tyler did. As he grew, he put all of his time, effort, money, and focus into learning about the causes of asthma...so he could give it to everyone. They wouldn't be laughing at him if they had it as well. They also wouldn't be laughing at him if they couldn't breathe.

So, Daniel Tyler, in his late twenties, was ready to make his move. He donned his protective green suit that made him look like a giant booger, a gas shooter, and a scuba tank full of allergens. He paid a visit to the place where his torment started: the local grade school.

His vendetta began with the nurse, who he sprayed in the face with his aller-gun...his spray gun that shot allergens. He...very obviously put all of his time and effort into giving people asthma, not marketing. Anyway, two asthma sufferers who were already at the nurse witnessed the whole thing: Nurse Grady...now had asthma. They followed the self-proclaimed Asthma Monster as he rushed to the classrooms, coating them with the asthma-inducing mist. The kids, John and Ruth, knew that they had a supervillain on their hands, and a supervillain required a superhero. They knew just the number to call. The Captain America Hotline.

The Captain America Hotline

So, in the 80s, Captain America used his back pay from the government to set up an automated hotline in Brooklyn, New York. It would transcribe each call and send it to a printer that Cap kept in his van. That way Cap could stay mobile, helping out the American people...by van. Because if someone needs emergency help in, say, Colorado Springs, who better to come to their help than a van-based superhero in Brooklyn. Oh, the Red Skull has set fire to your apple orchard or something? Sit tight, I'll be there in two days. Three and a half with stops.

Luckily, Cap was in the area and, not really thinking about how it looked, pulled up in front of the middle school and told some kids to get in his van.

Cap called in the National Guard and learned all about the asthma monster. Somehow, they knew where he was going to strike next: the doctor.

They broke down the door of the doctor's office to see Asthma Monster spraying the doctor in the face, demanding to know the location of the treatment for symptoms of asthma. The doctor held up to the torture and interrogation like a champ. I mean, if the Asthma Monster didn't know what a pharmacy was and that it was the location of the asthma treatment, the doctor wasn't about to talk, even if it meant dying, apparently. Luckily, Cap intervened, and after the kids tossed him an inhaler to counteract the symptoms of the Asthma Monster's Aller-gun, Cap cracked Asthma Monster over the head, breaking his protective helmet. Daniel Tyler was exposed to his own allergens - his helmet previously filtered all his air - and he began having an asthma attack. Cap handed him an inhaler and talked him through Asthma treatment, Asthma Monster realized the error of his ways, and gave up his quest for vengeance. Just kidding. Captain America used his asthma attack to get the upper hand and beat him unconscious.

Asthma monster went to jail for giving dozens of people asthma, but, like asthma, he came back.

Seeing the news about an Asthma Monster, an allergen-themed supervillain team broke Asthma monster out. They were the Allergen Gang. Because of course they were.

Daniel Tyler's neighborhood

There was Allergen Al, the leader, a cigarette smoking furry imp thing, dust dragon, a dragon that spits dust, feather boa, a feather snake that hides in pillows and tries to strangle you, and furball and rugburn, who...yeah just feel like different versions of allergen al. They're all kind of brutally dispatched when they're vacuumed up and smothered, kicked down stairs, and beaten with household objects. The main three, Captain America and the two children he brought to a fight, were able to withstand the onslaught...because they used their inhalers.

It was at the end of this that Daniel Tyler might have actually seen the error of his ways. Maybe. I think that watching Captain America and a few children mercilessly beat your co-workers (allergy-themed villains) probably makes you re-evaluate some things about how your life is going. Daniel Tyler finally accepted an inhaler and realized...this medicine stuff is pretty great. He doesn't even need his scary suit anymore. When we last saw Daniel Tyler, he was paroled early, going to start his career as a swim instructor for children. Yes, because you can spend years in hate-filled research, give dozens of children and teachers a chronic, incurable condition, and then go on to work with middleschoolers.

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